Turning the page to a new chapter

For brief moments throughout the week, I sometimes think to myself:

Did I become this way by myself?
Am I proud of myself?
Or am I who I am because of the people in my life?

Honestly, I can't tell myself that the answer is all black and white because the blurred, grey blots of a once-defined line are too obvious for a lie like a yes or no.

I am a child of a teen mother. I have four younger siblings. I moved around a lot when I was younger because my dad was in the military. I moved mid-year of my sophomore year of high school. I'm still unhappy with how things are going in my life now. But it's gradually getting better.

Those things are a part of my story. They don't define me. Sure, they influenced how I am now, but I can't say that the people around me made me into who I am. If they did, that would only mean I let them. I let them control me. I let everything happen to me without thinking about anything.

But that isn't me. I'm stubborn. Trying, finally trying, at a better life and stumbling into this new beginning. That move to a new city, to a new high school; sure, moving wasn't easy, and I still want the life I wanted back, but at some point, you have to realize that not everything will be pretty or clean or as perfect as you want it.

Sitting at the dining table, watching my brother take care of one of my other brothers, I'm at a loss as to how my mind works. For almost two years, I struggled with grades and finding a bit of myself after the move. Now, I'm confused about how much my life has changed when I'm trying. It doesn't seem to.

I had four tests today: AP Stats ended with a 64 (I need to make that up), AP Gov ended up with a 78, the same grade as my physics, and I had a lesson check in my calculus (and I don't yet know the grade for that one).

After the first two, around 10:20 in the morning, I broke down and cried and whimpered because I didn't know what I was doing wrong.

I'm studying in my two-hour privilege period every morning, on the bus and in the car, during lunch, and after school. I do all this studying. I haven't made any friends that would be a distraction. But why? Why do I keep getting these grades? Why do I keep failing even when I'm trying?

Maybe it's too early for me to see the results. It's only been a month. Maybe the change I'm trying to make in my life—mentally, emotionally, and academically—will come in months rather than weeks.

It's my final year at high school, and I want to make the most of it. I want to live a little and enjoy the time before I venture out from the nest. I want to finally take a step forward, take my idea by the grasp, and leap forward like a balloon. I want to see, more than anything, my idea blossom and to make the people who supported me proud of what I achieved.

So, I'm starting bit by bit, sharing my journey and seeing a bit of other people's journeys each day. Whether that's through my first video or my first blog post, I want to be able to see my idea come to bear fruit along with others as well.

I want to create a community of high school students, like myself, who are still growing and need help with a variety of needs. I may not be a mentor for others, but I want to be a peer—a friend who looks after each other, supports one another, and keeps growing along with everyone else. I want to grow with people.

I hope to see you the next time I write. And who knows? Maybe I can see what you write in your travels.

— Serenity